Wednesday, 18 October 2017

A Heavy Heart

We've all been through hard times, sometimes the hardest times are in the mists of a breakup when nobody can really say anything to make you feel any better than the way you feel at that point. All you hear is, it'll get easier, you're better off without him and you deserved better. As much as the people saying these things just want to be there for you and pick you back up when you're at your lowest, it's not always easy to hear.

I've always thought I dealt with breakup's fairly well. I'd have a couple of weeks being a little down and then something would just click, then everything changed and I was good. This is probably going to sound a little heartless but once I can really dislike an Ex I am good to go, I've got that hate fuelling me and I can easily get on with my life and never double think that relationship again. My family even joke that once someone becomes my Ex, they are dead to me.

But it all changes when it's a mutual decision, you haven't got anyone to blame, it just wasn't right anymore. I won't lie, I've only ever had one mutual breakup and it's honestly been the hardest one to deal with. There's no reason to hate this person because in reality, they didn't do anything wrong to get you both to the point of breaking up. At first when people were asking me what happened I was honest and said that it just wasn't right anymore, which as much as it's a shame, it wasn't. This particular relationship was my longest, a fair few years were spent with him and we grew a lot together. I was getting asked how he was by people I hadn't seen in a while and again I was having to go over it. We broke up, it wasn't working and no, I don't know how he's doing, we haven't spoken since. Then people's reactions to it started to make me second guess it all.
Why were people so surprised? Is it actually my fault? And then the Oh fuck, what have I done started to kick in.

When you've got your foggy breakup head on, it's so easy to think back to your favourite times together, your happiest memories of that person and miss them. You trick yourself into believing everything before the point of breaking up was good, the things that pissed you off get forgotten. Breakup fog is a ballache, you end up overthinking everything. You find reasons to blame yourself but never to blame him. In reality all I've been doing is hurting myself, upsetting myself and truthfully, I've made myself unwell because of it all.

Then luckily I came to the realisation of what I was doing to myself, and things started to become clearer for me. I got out because I didn't feel loved anymore, I got out because it had just become routine and we hadn't known any better for over 4 years. I got out because we both needed to grow, but we could only do it separately, we loved each other and wanted only the best for one another but we had got stuck somewhere along the line and we just stayed there, comfortably holding off any progression in life and love.

It wasn't the smoothest relationship, I'll admit that but I don't regret any of it. If you had asked me this time last year where I saw myself, I definitely would not have said single. It wasn't until we broke up that I realised that I would actually be doing life on my own, of course I have friends and family around but the person I wanted to tell first when I passed my exams to further my training in nursing, no longer spoke to me. He wasn't my first point of call anymore, and I really struggled with that. I've achieved things this year I never thought I actually would and don't get to tell him about any of it anymore. This year has taken a lot of adjustment for me, as much as I've had a great year with lots of fun and new experiences, I did them all on my own for the first time in years.

It's been a quite a while since we parted now, I still don't dislike him or hate him because I have absolutely no reason to. He did a lot for me, helped me through some of the toughest times and I couldn't be more grateful to him for that, not that he'll ever know because I don't think I ever told him him that. It's still super weird not having him in my life anymore but everything happens for a reason right?

People grow up and people part ways, some things just aren't meant to be. This year has given me the opportunity to concentrate on myself and progress in my job as well as life, I'd like to say I'm content with where I am right now and I hope he is too. I have a few things to work out for myself but I'm getting there, and closing the door on this part of my life is one of them.
Emily-May x


  1. What a beautiful post my lovely, break ups are hard and yes when there's nothing to blame for it - it makes it harder. I've only known you for a short period of time, but you have achieved a lot! Focusing on yourself is always a good idea, if you're feeling trapped on feeling a certain way. You're super amazing and time is a healer with anything in life! Plus you are an auntie!!!!!

    More fun times ahead my lovely, and exciting things to come I'm sure xx

  2. Despite the topic, I really loved reading this post and I'm glad you hit publish! I'm definitely like you, I usually get in the "he's a dickhead and I hate him" zone and it's fine. There's only one ex I've not felt like that with and I've stayed good friends with him and his wife :) xx

    Golly Miss Holly


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